Gillyweed
by XspriteyX
Summary: Wait... Harry's pregnant? Dumbeldore's acting oddly? Cho's cheering on Draco? What's going on? Harry would love to know that too!
1. Gillyweed: The First Strike

_This my friends is just a little spoof taking the mick, it is not here to offend anyone, I do not own Harry Potter and last but not least please enjoy!_

Harry stared in shock at the dragon before him the Triwizard tournament didn't seem any more fun that it had yesterday, he braced himself spell on his lips to summon his Firebolt when Cedric Diggory jumped in front of him. "Are you people insane! He can't compete whilst he's pregnant!"

Pregnant what the-?

He looked down in horror finding himself indeed bloated like a whale! He must be like nearly ready to give birth on the other hand WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!

He didn't remember being pregnant this morning, plus he's a guy, you kinda remember these two things. Draco Malfoy vaulted over the stands "Don't worry lover I'm coming!"

He may have said this once before but WHAT THE HELL!

Malfoy and Diggory kept their wants on the dragon that was roaring fiercely, Malfoy looked at him "Harry get to safety with our baby we'll hold her off!"

Stunned he gaped at the heroism "Bu-"

Cedric yelled at the stands "OY BOY WHO COULD NOT BE BOTHERED! HELP US!"

Neville yawned in boredom "This doesn't involve Voldermort therefore I have no desire to get involved."

Wait was that a scar on Neville's forehead!

And where did the dramatic wind and sunset come from?

Hagrid had a huge pink Umbrella above his head which he used to float into the stands, Fred (Or George), "Said Wave!"

So the spectators Mexican waved "HARRY POTTER!"

Rita Skeeter appeared at his side "So Mr Potter what do you think of your father in law being an alleged Death Eater?"

Cho Chang screamed "EE! LOVE YOU CEDRIC!"

Cedric waved at her "Love you too babe! Don't forget the toys for tonight!"

Cho giggled "As if I'd forget the dragon riding crop and the blood quills!"

Harry did not want to know but she also yelled "AND DRARRY FOREVER!"

Pansy Parkinson looked disgusted "Drarry! Ew no! Snaco would be an improvement over that!"

"But Snape's Draco's godfather!"

"So's Sirius to Harry but there's still pairings of them in our club!"

"OO! Draco and Harry are together so why don't we put their godfather's together!"

"SQEE! But I have a soft spot for Remus and Sirius!"

The argument went on whilst Harry decided the whole wizarding world had gone mad!

The dragon roared again charging towards them, Cedric fired off spells with Malfoy, Rita Skeeter took photos, McGonagal fussed and screeched at Dumbledore, who for some reason was wearing a Jamaican beanie, to get his doped up arse into gear and rescue them. The Triwizard officials looked unimpressed, Voldermort and a group of Death Eaters appeared causing the spectators to make that 'Ooooo' noise they do in sitcoms, Voldermort saying "This is the end Neville Longbottom!"

Neville jumped up dramatically "It's you! I shall avenge you for making parents Crazy you nose-less ninny!"

Lucius gasped "Oh no he didn't!"

A laughing track appeared from nowhere, Neville glared "Yeah take it bitch!"

Voldermort started singing spontaneously "I'm malicious mean and scary, my sneer could curdle dairy, and violence-wise my hands are not the cleanest. But despite my evil look and my temper and my cursed book, I've always yearned to be a concert pianist. Can't you see me on the stage performin' mozart ticklin' the ivories 'til they gleam? Yep i'd rather be called deadly for my killer show tune medley, thank you 'cause way down deep inside I've got a dream."

The Death eaters started backing him up "He's got a dream, He's got a dream."

Voldermort continued "See I ain't as cruel and vicious as I seem because like everybody else I've got a dream"

And in all that chaos all Harry could say was "I think my waters just broke."

Harry jerked up from the library chair with a gasp, he checked his stomach making sure it was flat as ever and ran a weary hand over his face. Next time Neville tried to force feed him Gillyweed he was going to chuck him to the giant squid wrapped in fish.

That dream was _seriously_ messed up.


	2. Hakuna Matata

Harry for some reason found himself as a black lion beside a red lioness Ginny Weasley, a white ferret Malfoy and a red boar Ron they seemed perfectly fine with it so they were all animagus now?

Funny he didn't remember training for it so that was new, and where was Hermoine?

They were crouched behind the tree's in the dark forest looking at Hogwarts and all the Hyena death eaters guarding it apparently trying to get to the castle across the dried out lake, Malfoy whispered "Deatheaters I hate Deatheaters. So what's your plan for getting passed those guys?"

Harry wasn't sure what made him say it but he replied "Live bait."

Malfoy nodded "Good idea. Hey!"

Harry looked at him "C'mon Malfoy you guys have to create a diversion."

Malfoy said sarcastically "What do you want me to do? Dress in drag and do the Hula!"

A few moments later and Draco had a leafy skirt and flowers around his neck whilst Ron sat on a pile of leaves with an apple in his mouth "Luau! If you're hungry for a hunk of fat and juicy meat eat my buddy Weasley here because he is a treat. Come on down and dine on this tasty swine all you have to do is get in line."

Harry and Ginny snuck by as the Hyena's went towards Draco and Ron, Draco felt uncomfortable so many predators coming towards him but he continued "Aaaare you achin'?"

Ron placed the apple at his feet to say "Yup, yup, yup."

"Foooor some bacon?"

"Yup, yup, yup."

"Heeee's a big pig."

"Yup, yup."

"You could be a big pig too. Oy!"

Then ran off screaming with Ron as the Hyena's chased after them. Ginny said to Harry "C'mon we have to stop Voldermort Harry he took your place as Headmaster of Hogwarts."

Harry nearly tripped over himself "Say what!"

Before he knew it they were in Dumbledore's office Voldermort was a scraggy green lion "Harry! You're alive! This is wonderful now you can take your rightful place as Headmaster I suppose."

Harry stared at him in disbelief as he noticed the gleam in Voldermort's eyes "Um no I'm good keep going with your... pride thing."

Ginny looked stricken "Harry what are you saying?"

Voldermort looked gleeful "Yes Harry why don't we tell her who really killed Dumbledore?"

Harry blinked "Ah Snape?"

Voldermort frowned "What? No! YOU you idiot! Tell your precious mother the truth Harry!"

Harry looked to the lionesses and indeed there was red lioness with green eyes that walked up to him "Is this true?"

That was his mother stunned he said dazedly "About Snape? Yeah sorry I know he was your friend and all..."

Voldermort looked like he wanted to bash his head on the wall "We know you killed him Harry don't deny it any further."

Harry was getting tired of hearing him talk after all his mother was there!

OK so she was furrier than pictures but hey he'll take what he can get. Sick of the green lion he pounced on him placing pressure on his throat "Why don't you just tell him who really killed Dumbledore?"

Voldermort chocked "I killed him."

Harry added more pressure "Louder so they can hear the truth."

Voldermort growled out "I KILLED DUMBLEDORE!"

Harry blinked "Ah no. No you didn't, Snape did but whatever. So bugger off and... yeah."

Harry turned back to his mother when Voldermort pounced on him and the Hyena's attacked the lionesses. Harry was tumbling around scrapping with Voldermort who was really starting to tick him off, Voldermort jumped out onto a balcony and Harry noticed then the fire burning at the base of the castle. "Give it up Voldermort!"

Voldermort shied back "Now Harry let's not be too hasty here."

Harry growled walking forward towards his prey.

Draco and Ron were backed up against a rock face surrounded by Hyena's, Draco panted looking for something to save them, then noticed Ron's rear end facing the Hyena's. He hopped onto his rear and cocked Ron's tail like a shotgun "Don't anybody move! This things loaded, I'll let you have it!"

The Deatheaters screamed and ran away, Draco chuckled swinging Ron's tale "Talk about your wins of war."

Meanwhile a baboon Snape went "AWOO!" then started taking on the Hyena's with martial arts "YA ya ya!"

A hyena tried to sneak up behind him but he punched it without even looking over his shoulder "Hwah!"

The Hyena's yelped and scrambled away. Still as he took off beating up more Deatheater's with his staff Ron and Draco got separated, the three Hyena's Pettigrew, Crouch and Bellatrix chased Draco into a cave, Hermoine the hornbill seen him from her ribcage prison said "Let me out! Let me out!"

Draco got in with her "Let me in! Let me in!"

Pettigrew and Bellatrix laughed, Draco grabbed Hermoine "Don't eat me."

Ron grumped from the room entrance "Drop 'em"

Crouch said "Hey who's the pig?"

Ron said "Are you talkin' to me?"

Draco shook his head "Uh-oh, they called him a pig."

"Are you talking to _me_?"

"Ya shouldn't have done that."

"ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?"

"Now they're in for it."

"THEY CALL ME MR. PIG! AHHHH!"

The Hyena's got beat up and ran away Ron and Draco said "Woo woo woo!" With a recently freed Hermoine.

Voldermort said "Harry it's the Deatheater's fault they made me do it."

He didn't realise he was overheard, Bellatrix shouted "Like hell did we make you do squat!"

Voldermort retorted "Quiet woman I have a dramatic fight about to happen!"

And to his word him and Harry started scratching each other, and roaring, then Harry got the other hand and knocked him off Hogwarts into the flames and a bunch of vengeful Deatheater's. Bellatrix said "I do believe he said it was our idea? Pettigrew?"

He laughed darkly and loads of Deatheater's swarmed Voldermort "Now now I didn't mean it I, no NO!"

The Hyena's attacked despite the rising flames Voldermort was vanquished, the heaven's opened up and it started raining.

Harry felt oddly slightly accomplished that Voldermort was gone, he faced his mother and Ginny who looked proud of him, and his friends Draco, Ron and Hermoine. They were watching him expectantly as Snape pointed to the ledge he'd just been battling on, what were they expecting him do?

Roar?

Shrugging he stood on it, cleared his throat and went "ROOOOOOAAAAARRRR!"

The clouds cleared into sunshine, the lake refilled from rainwater and all the animals rejoiced.

Hermoine waved a wing "Harry wake up!"

Harry said "Huh?"

She repeated forcefully "Wake up McGonagall's going to take some points if you don't wake up soon!"

Harry sat up blearily finding himself in the Transfiguration class room with an unhappy McGonagall staring at him "Mr Potter as catching as your song of 'Hakuna Matata' was, I insist you stay awake if you want to pass your OWLS this year."

The class snickered at him, Harry groaned and rested his head on his arms, life just wasn't fair. So he falls asleep in class dreaming of well... whatever that was and he apparently sleep talks as well.

Dammit all he knew he smelt Gillyweed in the dorm last night!


	3. De Ja Vu

**(Aw man this turned out waaaayyy longer than I thought, welp I hope it was worth it, please enjoy the spoofiness and the parody And please review!)**

Harry didn't get the lie in he hoped for, I mean how could he when Ron had a radio turned up and practically shouted "Rise and shine Harry!"

Even in his sleep haze Harry realised something, when the heck did Ron learn to work a radio! He sat up putting on his glasses Ron was tying up some black boots bopping along to the music "Asia's great aren't they?"

Harry would have probably liked the song under normal means but he was tired and had a migraine coming on, damn Voldermort's visions "I'd rather kill myself then listen to this song again."

Ron turned it up louder mouthing "Heat of the moment! Heat of the moment!"

Then bopped off towards the bathroom, now that Harry glanced around their surroundings taking note for the first time they weren't in Hogwarts, they looked to be in a Motel of a sort. From the smell he'd guess one of the cheap kind.

Harry grimaced dressing as quickly as possible fearing that the mould in the corner had moved closer, Ron exited the bathroom wearing a leather jacket "Ready to work on the case?"

Harry blinked "Case? What case? Are Fred and George in on this?"

Ron rolled his eyes "Funny. Let's hit the road."

Without any other options to speak of Harry followed him watching in slight wonder as Ron unlocked the blue Ford that had saved him from the spiders in the forbidden forest. "Wow Ron how did you get the car back?"

Ron raised an eyebrow "It never went anywhere. Geez Harry you're acting weirder than normal, it's not your visions again is it? Cuz we could call Mione to see if he can do anything."

Why wasn't Hermoine with them?

Eventually he just chalked it up to a lovers spat between her and Ron, so thoroughly apathetic he just sighed "Never mind and no I haven't had any visions lately."

This was true since he hadn't.

They drove down roads that were completely unfamiliar yet Ron had no trouble navigating them around, Harry wasn't an expert but he had a sinking feeling they weren't in England any more. Still Ron was highly unconcerned singing along to some guy called Bon Jovi, after a few minutes he said to Harry "OK so we got a Priest that was supposedly possessed by a demon sacrificing himself to the devil, a psychic who claimed to talk to the dead disappearing and woman who was thought of as a witch found corpse burned to a stake. Candy wrappers were found at the scenes of the deaths, Remus thinks it might be a trickster and the way to kill it is basically a stake through the heart."

Harry was completely lost where this was going "Uh yeah great. But aren't stakes for vampires?"

Ron snorted "Yeah right you know the only way to kill those undead sons of bitches is to server the head from the body with a machete. Or whatever you happen to have on hand. Are you sure you're OK? Maybe that nest we took out was too much for you."

Harry shook his head "No I'm fine just... tired! Ya know being busy and all." Since when did he and Ron traipse around hunting Magical Creatures? And heck he knew Ron swore but to this extent was another thing entirely, and isn't this some sick form of cannibalism? Well minus the eating part. "Uh we don't kill Unicorns right?"

Ron laughed "Yeah right Harry. You know Unicorns don't exist!"

Feeling defensive Harry stuck up for the equine like beasts "They do exist, people say the same thing about angels but there's no proof either way."

"What are Unicorns gonna do? Run around and fart rainbows outta of their asses, sorry Harry but I don't buy it unless I see it. Angels by the way as you know are all dicks. Except Hermione. Even though she's like the freaking holy librarian."

OK Harry's gonna put that on his 'don't wanna know list' they stopped outside a warehouse, Ron handed him a stake like Harry was meant to know what to do with it gulping he took it following Ron really wondering if it was actually a Deatheater in disguise leading him to his demise. Inside the warehouse was a large banquet of every food imaginable and two scantly dressed woman holding some Grapes invitingly, in a the ideal Roman lounge chair sat Draco Malfoy in everyday muggle clothes smirking at them "Hey boys looks like you caught me."

Ron looked at the food "Well I gotta say I like your style."

Draco sat up snapping up a possibly apple flavoured lollipop "Glad you appreciate the finesse. Now I like you guys, really I do, so why don't we just go our separate ways without the bloodshed huh?"

Ron held his gaze face moulded into a mocking smile "And let you keep killing people? I don't think so."

Draco rolled his eyes "Please those people got their just desserts."

Ron raised a stake "And in a moment so will you."

Harry must have turned green, dear Merlin! They were going to kill Malfoy!

Sure he'd been an annoying ferret over the years but a stake through the heart... Harry fought the urge to throw up, barely getting his senses together when an Alien charged at him, Ron was facing off against the girls who were a lot stronger than they looked. Harry more on instinct then actual trying stepped out of the alien's way trying to think of anything that might help at all "Stupefy!"

Right no wand.

Maybe if he waved the stake hard enough it could work, still nothing, well it was worth a shot.

The alien just stared at him before charging again making a "Blehlelelelele!" noise.

Harry shrieked running away from the demented little thing "We come in peace! I see you! E'T phone home! Get the bloody hell away from me!"

Ron kicked away one of the girls "Harry stop messing around!"

As he said that one of the girls grabbed him in a choke hold imitating a very lethal koala, Harry was backed into a corner pointing the stake at the alien that was rasping "My precious!" every two seconds.

Draco well... He was laughing his head off.

Harry said "OK Malfoy whatever it is your playing knock it off this isn't funny any more!"

Draco applauded mockingly "Oh bravo but boys we've barely begun!"

He snapped himself away just in time as a stern looking Hermione appeared the spot he'd been lounging just a moment before with a rather sharp looking silver blade.

At least Harry thought it was Hermione, she had the same bushy hair and looks but she was so serious, so focussed and the beige trench coat on top of her normal clothes was new. Draco reappeared on the other side of the room a mocking smirk on his lips "Aww look boys your pet angel has come to save you."

Hermione said "This isn't a trickster."

Ron who finally elbowed his unwanted passenger off him gasped "W-what do you m-mean?"

Draco wouldn't let her answer though as clicked his fingers again sealing her mouth ducktape and vanishing her along with the alien and sexy girls, "Right guys I've had my fun, but lets get down to business here. You guys need to suck it up and accept your roles that destiny has chosen for you."

Ron yelled furiously "Bring back Hermione you dick we'll never say yes!"

To which Harry who was still confused to what the heck was happening said meekly "I might."

Ron shot a betrayed look his way the same time Malfoy sent a pleased one, so he continued "Well if I knew what I was saying it too that is."

Malfoy sighed dramatically "And just when I thought you'd gotten smarter, who'd a thought a few rounds with Elvis the alien would traumatise you so?"

Ron shouted firmly "Look I'm not agreeing to Dumbledore's vessel and Harry's NEVER going to Voldermort's so why don't you just start running because I'm gonna kill you myself you little-"

He didn't get to finish as Draco slammed him into the wall "You should remember your place." He hissed dangerously "Now both of you are gonna accept like good little boys or else."

Harry who was processing the information said "What! Vessels? You mean Voldermort wants my body! HOLY SHIT!"

Ron ignoring Harry's apparent break from reality said bravely "Or else what?"

Harry on the other hand was completely melting down "I mean it was one thing to kill my family and ruin the first couple of years of my school life but that's just sick!"

Draco sneered "I'm gonna give Harry boy over there some time to think it over before we get to the 'or else' stage."

The tell tale snap was all the warning they got.

"Rise and shine Harry!"

Even in his sleep haze Harry realised this couldn't be right, unless last nights events had been a dream. He sat up putting on his glasses Ron was tying up the same black boots bopping along to the music, wow talk about De Ja Vu "Asia's great aren't they?"

Harry still didn't like it any more than he had in his dream, or was it a vision? Since the migraine coming on was very real and he was still tired, damn Voldermort's visions. "I'd rather kill myself then listen to this song again."

Ron turned it up louder mouthing "Heat of the moment! Heat of the moment!"

Then bopped off towards the bathroom, now that Harry glanced around their surroundings he freaked out a little noticing the Motel was exactly the same that it wasn't Hogwarts, and the smell hadn't improved either.

Harry grimaced dressing as quickly positive that the mould in the corner had moved closer and changed colour, Ron exited the bathroom wearing the same leather jacket from the dream, vision thing "Ready to work on the case?"

Harry blinked feeling extremely freaked out that the conversation was happening nearly the same as well "Case? What case? Are Fred and George in on this?"

Ron rolled his eyes "Funny. Let's hit the road."

Without any other options to speak of Harry followed him again unsurprised as Ron unlocked the blue Ford. "Uh Ron was that here yesterday?"

Ron raised an eyebrow "Of course, it never went anywhere. Geez Harry you're acting weirder than normal, it's not your visions again is it? Cuz we could call Mione to see if he can do anything."

Why wasn't Hermione with them?

Oh yeah in the dream/vision thing she was an angel apparently could she have possibly apparated to them? Wait why was he worried they weren't going to that warehouse again because it didn't happen. "Never mind and no I haven't had any visions lately."

This was a lie since he might have done.

They drove down roads that were slightly familiar since this was the route taking in the dream/vision and as before Ron had no trouble navigating them around. Ron was highly unconcerned again singing along to some Bon Jovi, after a few minutes he said to Harry "OK so we got a Priest that was supposedly possessed by a demon sacrificing himself to the devil, a psychic who claimed to talk to the dead disappearing and woman who was thought of as a witch found corpse burned to a stake. Candy wrappers were found at the scenes of the deaths, Remus thinks it might be a trickster and the way to kill it is basically a stake through the heart."

Harry was completely stunned, this is exactly what happened before was it possible he'd accidentally spun a time turner or something?

"Uh yeah great."

Ron snorted "Good to hear enthusiasm."

Harry shook his head "Well I'm just... tired! Ya know being busy and all."

Internally he was really panicking now what if they got to the warehouse and Malfoy was there again and everything happened as it did in the vision, he was certain now it wasn't a dream, he really didn't want to encounter Elvis the alien again. "Uh how can we be sure it's a trickster it could be Cornish pixies you know."

Ron laughed "Yeah right Harry. Next you'll be saying that fairies did it!"

Feeling defensive again for a different species Harry stuck up for the tiny beings "They might have done! You know they get crabby if you crush their nests."

"What are fairies gonna do, run around and shoot rainbows outta of their asses? Sorry Harry but I don't buy it unless I see it."

They stopped outside a warehouse, Ron handed him a stake like before to Harry, gulping he followed Ron really hoping for a non repeat of the visions events. Ron gripped the door handle making a silent count to three before they burst in to Harry's relief the warehouse was empty.

Not a trace of a living soul.

Thank you Merlin!

Ron lowered his weapon cursing "I coulda sworn this was the place."

Harry all but shoved him back to the Ford "Ah well shame and all that off we go, we gotta vampire or something to hunt haven't we?"

Ron pushed his hands away "Yeah I guess. Harry look out!"

Harry was shoved to the side as a pearly white ghost flickered in front of Ron, Harry thought his friend over reacted until he saw the pool of blood seep through Ron's shirt front. "NO RON!"

He lobbed the stake at the ghost that vanished running to catch Ron as he fell to the ground, Ron's eyes took on a glassy sheen as they became dazed fading away. The blood flowed faster Harry held his best friend tightly "Come on Ron don't do this to me mate. Ron stay with me. Ron? RON!"

"Rise and shine Harry!"

The haze from sleep faded away in an instant, that hadn't been a coincidence nor was this everything was exactly the same and Ron thank Merlin was alive. He sat up putting on his glasses almost crying in relief at the sight of Ron tying up his boots bopping along to the music, "Asia's great aren't they?"

Harry was beginning to hate the song, the migraine arrived on cue to his tired body, so he said "I'd rather kill myself then listen to this song again."

Ron turned ready to mouth "Heat of the moment!"

But before he could Harry had launched himself at his friend hugging him tightly, Ron patted his back somewhat awkwardly "Uh mate you OK?"

Harry pulled back "Fine, yeah just a bad dream ya know."

Ron raised an eyebrow looking like he was going to comment before getting up and heading to the bathroom instead.

Harry scanned the room unsurprised it appeared to be the same Motel, the smell was still terrible with the exception that he truly believed that the mould in the corner had moved much closer and grew fuzz.

Ron exited the bathroom wearing supposedly his leather jacket from the vision "Ready to work on the case?"

Harry blinked panicking if they went on this case then Ron would die, he couldn't let that happen!

"How about we grab breakfast first?"

Ron rolled his eyes "Pansy. We'll gank this thing then we'll eat."

Without any other options to speak of Harry followed him again towards the blue Ford. "Uh Ron I'm really hungry, I'm starving in fact."

Ron raised an eyebrow "You practically inhaled two pizzas, chips, a salad and two helpings of treacle tart last night how can you be hungry right now?"

Why couldn't Hermione be with them? She'd side with him on the importance of getting breakfast, besides he hadn't really eaten for two days anyway. "Yeah but I work it off hunting."

That seemed to have been the right thing to say as Ron waved his hands in mock defeat, "All right drama queen we'll grab some grub then bag us the baddy."

They drove down a different route this time that gave him hope. Ron wouldn't die!

He grinned at his friend who was highly unconcerned singing along to Bon Jovi, a few song tracks Harry was beginning to recognise from the repetitive hearing.

They'd pulled up outside a small café that had few people in it so Ron lowered his voice and said "OK so we got a Priest that was supposedly-" Harry finished for him "-possessed by a demon sacrificing himself to the devil, a psychic who claimed to talk to the dead disappearing and woman who was thought of as a witch found corpse burned to a stake. Candy wrappers were found at the scenes of the deaths, all signs adding up to a trickster and the way to kill it is basically a stake through the heart right?."

Harry was mentally patted himself on the back for remembering that, one step at a time he was changing the course of the day.

Ron snorted "That's correct Mr know it all, come on I hear burgers calling."

Harry shook his head; well at least Ron was still the lovable glutton he knew.

"Try not to get fat."

A nice perky waitress took their order of bacon and eggs with two cups of coffee, Harry had never tried coffee he severely hoped it tasted better than it smelled. Wanting to throw off Ron from attempting to go through with the find-the-trickster-but-actually-get-killed-by-a-ghost plan he said "Uh so how can we be sure it's a trickster? For all we know it could be vindictive leprechauns."

Ron laughed "Yeah right Harry, the little guys in green did it!"

Feeling defensive once again for a magical species Harry stuck up for the Irish folk "They might have done! You know they get crabby if you take their pot of gold."

"What are leprechauns gonna do, run around and shoot rainbows outta of their asses? Sorry Harry but I don't buy it unless I see it."

The waitress placed their order on the table sending them both a flirty wink, Ron grinned "Now that's a good way to start the day."

Harry sipped his coffee carefully, waited a moment to let then taste sink in and... BLEH! How could be people drink this stuff?

Seriously!

Ron tucked into his bacon heartily chewing the first mouthful until he started choking, Harry watched worried as the chocking got worse until Ron went all but blue in the face and collapsed. "RON!"

"Rise and shine Harry!"

Harry shot up in bed staring at Ron in disbelief, he wiped his glasses to be sure he wasn't seeing things, yet the sight of Ron tying up his boots bopping along to the music remained. "Asia's great aren't they?"

Harry was now officially hated the song and was horribly confused, the migraine arrived on cue to torment his tired body. He swallowed thickly saying "I'd rather kill myself then listen to this song again."

He waited a breath and exactly as he predicted Ron turned it up louder mouthing "Heat of the moment! Heat of the moment!"

Then bopped off towards the bathroom once again, Harry glanced around room...yep exactly the same. That stench hadn't miraculously improved either in fact if anything he swore it got worse. Harry dressed quickly thinking about what he should do this was third time he awoke in the same place and Ron had died twice.

Ron blissfully unaware to his worries exited the bathroom wearing his jacket keys in hand Harry noticed "Ready to work on the case?"

Harry said "Look mate this is gonna sound absolutely nuts but this is the third time I've woke up today."

"Why? You had problems sleeping again?"

Harry gestured wildly "No I meant I've relieved this same day three times already!"

Ron rolled his eyes "Funny-" "-Let's hit the road." Harry finished in sync with him.

Ron looked surprised "Huh you psychic now as well or is this like De Ja Vu?"

Harry groaned "No it's not De Ja Vu I've lived this day over before."

"So you mean like De Ja Vu?"

"No I mean I've actually lived this bloody day over three times!"

Ron raised an eyebrow "OK no need to get mad about it, since you know what's gonna happen then you can tell me what we're doing today."

"We're on the case of a trickster that turned out to be Malfoy but when we got there he did something and I woke up, then we went back there and found nothing before you were killed by a ghost. I woke up again and I tried to change the day by having us go to a café but you choked to death on bacon."

Ron commented idly "Well we'll pack salt rounds and iron with us and if that ghost shows up again we'll salt 'n burn the bitch."

Harry gaped at his blatant careless expression "Did you not just listen to a word I said? You could die Ron!"

Ron headed out the door "All part of the job Harry."

Unable to stop him Harry sighed and followed after hoping he could protect him.

He didn't pay attention to the scenery this time instead scouring all the notes possible they had from funnily enough Sirius's supposed hunting journal, Harry wasn't complaining because if this stuff actually worked he could save Ron's life. Ron didn't look like he had a care in the world as he sang along to Bon Jovi, at this point Harry could sing along with most of the tracks.

"I still think this is a bad idea."

Ron snorted "Glad to hear the faith in me."

Harry shook his head "That's not it Ron I just don't wanna see you die again."

Internally his heart was pounding the warehouse was in view, what if Ron died and this time he didn't wake up?

"And I won't have some faith for Hermione's sake." Ron laughed as if he had just told a private joke.

They stopped outside a warehouse, Ron handed him an iron bar this time whilst he wielded a shotgun, he followed keeping close to Ron in case the woman in white made a quick reappearance. Ron gripped the door handle making a silent count to three before they burst in to Harry's relief the warehouse was empty but he didn't relax just yet. Ron raised a hand indicating to be quiet then quickly fired off to Harry's right.

Harry looked for any form of remains Sirius's journal had mentioned lighter and salt ready to get rid of the spirit. Ron shot at her again "Harry look over there!"

Harry looked where he was indicating seeing a filthy white rag on the floor, he jogged over noticing that upon closer inspection there were fine black fibres of hair on the material. Not wasting any time he salted the garment and tried to strike the lighter, it sparked but didn't ignite. "Aw come on!"

"HARRY!"

Harry turned to see the woman about to stab him so instinctively he swung his iron bar through her.

When she vanished again temporarily he quickly ignited the lighter and set the rag on fire, she screamed and vanished in ashes, Harry's heart rate began to slow down.

She was gone, Ron was alive and she was gone! Thank Merlin!

Ron walked over "You OK?"

Harry shakily picked himself up "Yeah. I guess so." Then grinned stupidly, it'd be OK now she was gone.

Ron patted his shoulder "Glad to hear it now let's get some grub and go."

Harry was about to consent when he heard a sickening crack a heavy support beam in the warehouse finally gave way coming down straight on top of Ron.

No not after all this, no "RON!"

"Rise and shine Harry!"

Harry shot up in bed staring at Ron once more perfectly healthy like he hadn't just been crushed by two tonnes of real steel, he put his glasses on unable to believe he was again reliving the sight of Ron tying up his boots bopping along to the music remained. "Asia's great aren't they?"

Harry was gonna murder the creators of the song, the punctual migraine arrived right on schedule and his body felt totally exhausted. He didn't say anything yet Ron still turned up the music mouthing "Heat of the moment! Heat of the moment!"

Then bopped off towards the bathroom, now Harry was counting his blessings that he had another day to save Ron but cursing the world he had yet to get them through this day unscathed. Harry ignored the strange happenings going on the room trying to come up with a way to save his best friend without anything going wrong. Ron exited the bathroom on time wearing his jacket, keys in hand Harry noticed again "Ready to work on the case?"

Harry said "Ron how can you think about a case when we're reliving the day again!"

"What are you talking about Harry, are you having visions again?"

Harry gestured wildly "This isn't a joke Ron I've gone through this day four times now!"

Ron rolled his eyes "Funny. Let's hit the road." Harry said in sync with him.

Ron looked surprised so Harry said in time with him as well "Huh you psychic now as well or is this like De Ja Vu?"

Ron frowned "Hey knock it off!"

Harry groaned "You believe me now? It's not De Ja Vu I've lived this day over before."

"So you mean like De Ja Vu?"

"No! Look Ron we need to go right now."

Ron raised an eyebrow "OK I'm gonna take a chance and ask why?"

"Because we were on the case of a trickster that turned out to be Malfoy who did something and I woke up, then we went back there and found nothing before you were killed by a ghost. I woke up again and I tried to change the day by having us go to a café but you choked to death on bacon, so I woke up again only this time we took out the spirit only for you to get crushed by a giant steel beam."

Ron commented neutrally "Sounds a bit unbelievable but hey what are the odds of those things happening again? Anyway I take it that I just need to make through til tomorrow for this time loop theory of yours to stop."

Harry thought about it "Yeah that would be really good actually."

"See problem solved I just need to survive no biggy." Ron headed out the door "Bring your stuff we'll get out of town for the day."

Agreeing to the sound plan Harry started packing quickly. He stopped immediate when Ron let out a yell that cut out with a sickening thud, Harry sprinted out the door seeing Ron's crumpled form at the bottom of the stairs. "Ron?"

_Restart 19:_

Harry stood on guard for anything and everything as Ron took a shower to pass the time, Ron's off key singing stopped for him to call out "So why is it we're not leaving our room today?"

Harry whilst putting all pointy and sharp things away called back "To get you through the day alive."

Ron went quite replying "Eh whatever you say mate."

There was a slip, the sound of a tear, a scream and a horrible thud. Harry's stomach dropped "Ron?"

_Restart 42_:

Ron shrugged off Harry's hand "Mate relax I can cross a road without holding your hand like a toddler." He stepped out looking over his shoulder "See?"

It was then a bus smacked into him sending his body flying like a rag doll.

Harry watched in horror "RON!"

_Restart 38:_

"Harry we're sitting on a park bench what could possibly go wrong?"

Harry darted his eyes back and forth "Anything thing Ron! The trees might fall on you, an old lady might snipe you and the Earth could swallow you whole! You just don't know!"

Ron rolled his eyes "Right. Whilst you're freaking out could you fetch me a drink and I promise I'll live."

Harry glared at him sceptically, Ron held up his hand "Scouts honour."

Still looking edgy Harry did go to buy a drink; Ron huffed "Like I was ever a scout."

A squirrel came and sniffed at an acorn near him, Ron smiled "Heya lil' guy how's life?"

The squirrel looked at him before leaping at his throat unleashing all pent up fury for all squirrel kind.

_Restart 59:_

Harry forcefully tied Ron to a chair in the room not near anything sharp, hanging dangerously above his head, or even close to any hard counter corners. Ron sighed "Is this really necessary?"

Harry returned grimly "Absolutely."

Ron wriggled as he swore he felt something creep up his leg, he tried to remain still but the feeling returned and he looked around to find a spider crawling up his ankle.

He screamed loud and petrified until his heart gave out in fright, "Ron!"

_Restart 76:_

Ron pulled at his collar "Is it hot in here or is it just me?"

Harry held up a hand "Don't. Touch. The. Fan. Switch."

Ron shrugged "Fine I won't sheesh."

He strode over to open the window but the stupid thing wouldn't budge, he shoved it harder pleased when it opened a little, then shoved it once again not expecting it to fly open.

Harry could only yell "RON!" As he watched him fall out of the third floor window head first.

_Restart 87:_

Ron flicked through the TV channels bored out of his mind, since Harry was keeping an eye on him like a creepy over protective hawk he decided to have a nap to pass the time. Ahh the bed sheets weren't so bad once you got used to them, cozy, and snug, and cutting off his air. No really. He couldn't breathe!

_Restart 94:_

Ron sat by an elderly woman who was gagged and bound to a café chair as he watched Harry interrogate every single person wielding a frying pan like a mad man, Ron smiled reassuringly at her "It's gonna be OK you'll see. Harry I think it's time to go."

Harry swung around nearly smashing a window "NO! Someone here knows something!"

Ron got up "OK Harry just gimmee the frying pan."

Harry clutched tighter "NO!"

"Harry!"

"No Ron let go!"

"Harry just give me the frying pan!"

"Ron quit it!"

Ron stumbled back and fell on a kitchen set of knives that protruded from his chest, the old lady screamed into her gag. "Ron?"

_Restart 100+_

"So you're telling me you've relieved this day over a hundred times?"

Harry strode beside him sombre and moody "Yep."

Ron continued "And I don't remember any of this?"

"Nope. I tell you every day though."

As they passed people Harry quoted each one of them before they said anything, for example "Shit I missed the bus."

A very serious looking woman rushed to the bus stop "Shit! I missed the bus!"

Harry easily sidestepped an angry teenage girl stomping down the road "Wait baby we can work this out."

Ron was about to say she did not look in the mood for that sort of thing when a teenage guy ran after her "Wait baby! We can work this out!"

On and on he went effortlessly "I swear I lost your number. No I don't care. I'll have sauce with that. That'll be nine fifty sir. Would you care for a pamphlet. I don't need your pity. Who wants to get crunk tonight? You don't look eighteen. Hells yeah I can do that. When have I ever lied? Come on darling."

After about the thirtieth one Ron stopped him but Harry didn't he just said with him "OK how did you get all these people in on this? Stop that. This isn't funny Harry. Harry is a liar. Harry fancies Umbridge. Harry is a pathetic little girl who fantasies about unicorns shooting rainbows out there asses. Harry is a scrawny little virgin who freaks out when girls so much as looks at him when he really wants to-OK enough!"

Harry actually quietened down as Ron said "So this is happening? You've lived like a million Fridays and not once have I made it through alive."

Harry scowled "No it doesn't matter what I do something kills you and nothing ever frigging changes."

He looked towards a supermarket where an old man exited the store holding a newspaper in his hand, Ron followed his line of sight "What's up?"

Harry narrowed his eyes "That old man didn't buy anything before."

Ron huffed "So?"

Harry strode after him "Nothing changes."

They cornered him in an alleyway where Harry slammed him up against a wall with a stake under his chin "I'm sick of this game!"

The old man trembled "Please take my wallet it's all I have!"

Ron said slowly like Harry was mad "Harry..."

Harry tightened his grip "No Ron I've had it with this little ferret's twisted trick!"

The old man melted into Draco Malfoy "Well done I didn't think you'd ever notice me. So did you learn anything important?"

Harry grit his teeth "Yeah. You're a dick!"

Malfoy sighed "I so had hope for you."

Harry backed off "I couldn't say the same for you. HERMIONE NOW!"

A ring of fire started burning around Draco who raised an eyebrow "Is this supposed to impress me?"

Hermione appeared at Ron's side face littered with little cuts and a bruise on her right cheek, Ron said "You really think that after a while Mione wouldn't jump in to help us figure it out."

Harry snorted "What us? I've been the only one who's remembered all this crap."

Malfoy looked at the fire bored "Is this supposed to impress me? Kinda disappointed fellahs."

Harry shot him a sadistic smirk "Well if it's no bother to you why don't you just step over it?"

Draco glared then clapped mockingly, the alleyway faded away from them putting them back in the warehouse it all started. "So you found out my dirty little secret, what tipped you off?"

Harry held up Sirius's journal "It hit me about the seventieth loop that Hermione stated you weren't a trickster so I did some thinking and drew conclusions on my own."

Ron raised his voice "So which one are you? Happy? Sneezy? Dopey?"

Malfoy shot him a dark look "Draco all right. They call me Draco."

Well that was nothing new to Harry but to Ron he had a face mixing between awe and disgust "Like Draconus the archangel? Why the hell aren't you helping put a stop to the apocalypse!"

Draco laughed bitterly "Why should I? You lot started this mess you can bloody well clean it up and besides I haven't seen my family in decades! What makes you think I'm gonna pop in and go 'Hey guys I'm not dead, please stop fighting now ta'. I care about them more then you could even begin to understand but if they wanna rip themselves apart over your mud ball of a planet I say go for it! Maybe when they've obliterated each other they'll finally be happy!"

Hermione said nothing looking at indifferently but you could feel the disappointment directed at him, Harry wasn't sure what to do so he waited; Ron said "You're a coward."

Draco's figurative hackles rose "What did you call me!"

Ron remained as firm as stone "You run away from your problems not stepping up and taking responsibility in helping sorting out the cluster fuck that is your family! You bitch, moan and whine about how you care but if you cared you'd do something to have stopped this happening in the first place! You wanna spend the rest of forever alone I say go for it, go hide under your sad little rock and freaking stay there."

Ron turned to leave, Hermione still stared at Draco, Harry was quite pleased to leave the annoying ferret in the ring of fire after what he did to Ron.

The sprinklers started up, Harry looked to Ron who'd pulled the lever "Don't say I never did anything for you."

Draco clenched his jaw but didn't say anything, vanishing when the ring was extinguished. Harry exhaled for the first time in weeks glad to have his friends either side and in Ron's case alive once more, grinning like a moron he said "Right now that's over and done with I say we get back to Hogwarts yeah?"

Ron pulled an odd look "Hog-where?"

Hermione stated simply "Harry what you could do to help all of us is wake up."

Harry lost all happy feelings in an instant "Wha- bu- it's over! I saved Ron and we finally beat Malfoy!"

Hermione didn't budge "Harry wake up this instant."

Harry gripped his hair "Never! If I wake up this hellish day will start all over again and I can't let that happen!"

Hermione sighed "You leave me no choice." She pressed to fingers onto his forehead. He temporarily blacked out as something solid made another hard tap on his forehead, blinking back into awareness he awoke in the Hogwarts library with Hermione standing overhead a ruler in hand looking quite cross.

Harry sat up finding Ron zoned out on his right tapping his foot to a silent rhythm, Harry felt cold as the words 'Heat of the moment' sprang to mind.

Standing up quickly Harry muttered "I gotta do something."

He strode quickly in the direction of the Great Hall with a confused Ron and a nagging Hermione tailing him, he blocked them though as he entered the impressive hall seeking out his target. Once he spied said target he strode forward purposely pausing before the Slytherin table, Malfoy and his entourage looked up slightly surprised by his presence.

Ignoring Hermione's hissed whispers to 'Not make a scene' and Ron's gleeful grin at the idea of putting Malfoy in his place, Harry stood firmly feeling centuries older than this morning.

Before Malfoy could say anything snide and annoying Harry withdrew an apple lollipop from his pocket "Let me guess is this your favourite by any chance?" And dropped the treat in front of the confused platinum blonde, he continued smoothly "Funny how a snake should be attracted to apples. Still, pay attention and listen carefully Malfoy. I don't care what shit you've got going on in your life and I know you'd be more than happy to let us all go to hell but if you dare to try laying even a finger on one of my friends and I won't hesitate to bring you down. Plus consider this, if the world goes to shit and falls to pieces where are you gonna go if you don't feel like you have a place you comfortably fit in with?"

That said Harry spun on his heel leaving as calmly as he entered not a single person commenting on his odd speech, as an afterthought he shouted back to Ron "Hey mate you wouldn't happen to know where your car is at the moment do you?"

Ron shrugged "Uh probably still in the forbidden forest, why?"

Harry smiled like he had an inside joke "Because I think a road trip is due and driver picks the music, shot gun shuts his cakehole."

With that he started singing "It's my life, it's now or never, I ain't gonna live forever, I just wanna live without a lie,"

Which he continued singing even as he walked away with very confused Ron and Hermione on his tale.

Malfoy starred at the lollipop left forgotten by his other dorm mates as he considered what Potter said thoughtfully, he fingered the sweet figuring Potter was too heroic to have cursed it. He popped it into his mouth savouring the flavour as he thought for a whole twenty seconds before laughter started, Pansy whispered horrified "Draco your hair has gone Gryffindor colours!"

Damn Potter!

Dean commented idly "I didn't know Harry listened to Bon Jovi."

Neville discreetly hid the Gillyweed sample deeper in his bag considering not leaving it in areas near Harry anymore since it seemed to make him behave oddly afterwards.


End file.
